Dear Felicity (started 2 months ago)

( warning to the reader, graphic, and TMI, not for guys)
Dear Felicity,

      Yesterday we celebrated your second birthday.  I can hardly believe it has been two years already. When I went to bed the night before your birthday I was thanking God for giving you to me, and vividly remembering the day I almost lost you.  I was eleven weeks pregnant with you, and your daddy and I already had a strong feeling you were a girl. Your daddy even had a bear stuffed for you at build a bear, that he surprised me with at my first OB appointment for you.  He even had your name put on the bears little certificate.  We were so over the moon excited about you.  At 10 and half weeks  I went to my OB to have them listen for your heart beat with the doplar. You gave us a little scare that day too, three nurse and what seemed like forever and no one could find your heart beat. Finally Dr. Shoemaker came in and had the ultrasound standing by for just in case, but he put the doplar on my belly and just like that we heard your little heart racing along like horses hooves galloping across the ground.  I was leaving later that day for a trip to Tn. And then on to Ill.  The Dr. Said everything looked good, and told me to have a good trip. He also said that once you hear the heart beat on doplar the chance of miscarriage is drastically decreased.  I had been worried about misscarrying you since the day I found out I was pregnant, because I kept spotting.  But Dr. Shoemaker reassured me that everything was okay. So of I went gala fainting across the country with Stormy, Vincent, Pop Pop Love, and Liz Chris, Caleb and Caden.  Everything was going great, and I had had any spotting in over a week.  We were enjoying our trip, and on what was supposed to be our last morning in Illinois everything went haywire. I remember the morning vividly. We were at my cousin Jennifer's home.  Your Aunt Liz and Jennifer and I were all making breakfast in the kitchen. I was working on some fun shaped pancakes, Liz was cooking something at the stove, and Jennifer was working on something (can't remember what all we were cooking). When breakfast was nearly finished cooking I decided I was going to grab a quick shower while I could.  Liz wanted me to wait but I told her I was fast so it wouldn't be a big deal.  I quickly got ready for the shower and quickly took one.  As I was getting out of the shower, I slipped and fell back into the tub. But it was not a hard fall, it just surprised me. Then while I was to drying off, you cousin Caleb came busting in the door. I screamed he was shocked and I said you should knock first!  When I got dressed and put all my shower stuff away I went into the kitchen and joked with Jennifer about having to sue her because of the fall. And Then I joked with Liz about Caleb getting an eye full.  I fixed my plate and sat down at the table with everyone else. We were busy making jokes and laughing about  who knows what. All I was worried about was that everytime I laughed it felt like I was peeing a little.  Kept thinking surely I am not have bladder problems this early on.  I decided to go to the bathroom and see what was going on. I ran down to the bathroom in basement,  and and when I checked I was first not sure if I was seeing right. It looked like pink tinged clear liquid? Then I felt more gush out and more, then a little spotting of blood.  I freaked out. I started screaming for Liz, but she could not hear me. I ran upstairs and yelled Liz I need you. I am bleeding. She responded "your bleeding? Where?"  I was yelled back, "down there where do you think?" I started crying and ran back down stairs. Liz came running down behind me. I kept feeling more gushes of fluid, by this point I had soaked through my pants and needed to change. I was scared out of my ,mind, crying and hyperventilating. I called my OB but had to leave a message with the answering service and wait for him to call back. I then tried to call daddy but he didn't answer, because he was at church. I called our pastor, and his wife, trying to get some one to get Aaron and tell him what was going on.  I called Nana and Pop pop Kirkland.  All the while I was still feeling more gushes of fluid, I change my pants for a second time, and we decided to head the ER.  As I was getting in to the car when Dr. shoemaker called back. I was really losing it by this point. I answered the phone and "hello".  Dr. " hey baby this Dr. Shoe what's going on?"  I started trying to tell him, but I could hardly breathe " I ...( sobs) gushing fluid and blood. ..... (Hyperventilating).... Oh God more fluid just gushed out."  Dr.  " it's going to be okay baby, now I need you to go to the ER and get an ultrasound done, and have the ER Dr.s call me. It's going to be okay I promise. Just try to breathe, and calm down, I have seen this sort of thing happen before en everything was okay. But we won't know anything until we get an ultrasound."  We were already in the car
Heading to the ER. We arrived at the ER in less than 5 minutes that is how close it was to the house. I had already soaked through the pants an towel I was sitting on when we walked in to the ER as I got up to. Walk in I felt more fluid gushing out. I was really starting to lose it, we walked straight in to this tiny ER and straight to a room were they got me on a bed and ready to be checked by the dr. Who came in promptly upon hearing of my arrival, I was really upset and crying. The dr. Kept telling me I need to try and calm down, but I was just having a hard time getting my breath. They didn't have an ultra sound tech on hand that day, and there was no OB either, they went and got some test strips to test the fluid I was losing to see if it was amniotic fluid. It tested positive, but now I was no long gushing just fluid. I was passing blood and lots of it. The Dr. That was checking me out said that I was miscarrying, I began crying even more when I heard his words, I also heard home telling my mom that it didn't look good that I was passing pieces of the baby. My mom was sitting at the foot of the bed and I could see her expression on her face. When the dr. Left the room, I asked her how bad was it, since I was scared to sit up and look. She said it was pretty bad, and that I was losing a lot of blood. My cousin was also in the room and was being very supportive and trying to be encouraging. I remember when the Dr. Came back in I begged him to get a doppler and listen for your heart beat, he was reluctant and told me it was too soon to hear it on a Doppler but I persisted and told him how just 4days earlier I had heard your heart beat on Doppler at Dr. shoemakers. They finally pacified me and went and got a Doppler to listen. They started searching for a heart beat, they searched for what seemed like forever, I was afraid they were going to give up but, I just knew you were there, they just had to search longer. I began begging God,please please God, please. Then finally the most sweetest sound in the world, the faint boom boom boom boom, of a little heart was heard on the doppler. They couldn't get a good reading but that was all I needed to hear, to know you were still there. They ambulances me to St.Johns in Springfield Il. About an hour away. There I would be able to get an ultrasound of you. I couldn't wait. When we arrived at St. John's they immediately got me into a room on the OB/LD floor. I was soon seen by a high risk specialist dr. And a resident. The resident was going to preform an abdominal ultrasound on me, and then the high risk dr. Would come back to talk with me. When the resident Dr. Did the ultra sound, nothing came up in the screen, it was just empty, my heart sank. I told the Dr. Doing the ultrasound that we had heard your heart beat on the Doppler. She looked at me, and said I am very sorry but there is nothing there you have most likely miscarried the baby. I remember hot tears stinging my face as her words crushed my heart, then she said that the high risk Dr. Would preform a vaginal ultrasound, and would make the final decision on what the ultrasound showed. I couldn't stand the wait. When the hi risk dr. Came in I was so anxious to have the ultra sound done, I remember thinking I know she is there, but what if she is not. The dr. Didn't have the screen facing me for the beginning of the scan, and that made me nous, but then he turned the screen around, and there you were. I could see you clearly, arms and legs both moving like your were swimming. You were so alive and still with me, relief like I have never known rushed over me. I was released from that hospital that evening, and my cousin, Jennifer came and picked us up. I am so grateful to Jennifer, and aunt Liz and your pop pop love, who durning this whole traumatic experience took such great care of me, and your older two siblings. I ended up on mandatory bed rest and forbidden to travel until the bleeding stopped. But after a few days, I called my OB to give him a heads up that I was going to begin traveling home. I needed to be. Home, not to mention, I was on a trip with other family who ended up having to take off more days of work because I couldn't travel back home. And I was an hour away from any hospital that could treat me if something went wrong again. So we began the journey back to Tn. I laid down in the back seat all the way. Ad since I had mommy and daddy's only car in Tn. daddy had to ask a good friend of ours, Mr. Greg to bring him to Tn. To pick me up. I finally made it home a couple of days later and went straight to my OB for another ultrasound. The weeks that followed brought a lot of worry, and bed rest, and ultrasound every two weeks. I continue to bleed but for some reason, I was not losing any blood, just feeling up with it.Dr. Shoemaker decided to let okay me for some light activity. So I took sissy out for a day of shopping. We were having a great time together, when it started getting close to lunch I began to feel some lite pangs, and told sissy it was time to head home,and that we would stop and eat Chinese on the way home. we made it to the restaurant and I was feeling okay, we went in to eat, we had our first plate, and then we got up for seconds, and that was when it happened. I felt a familiar gushing. I told stormy to quick grab my purse and go to the bathroom with me. I soon discovered that I was quite literally had blood pouring out of me. Your sissy started to freak out, she had me cell phone and asked me who I wanted her to call, I told her no one but we have to go home right now. I quickly paid for our food, and left. I had to sit on a plastic bag on the way home, and by the time a I reached the house ten minutes later, I was soaked in blood down to my knees. I had called the on call OB, and she was rather cold, and treated me like an idiot. She told me I needed to wait until Monday to see my Dr. And there was nothing they were going to do for me if I was miscarrying. She also told me to go back on bed rest until I could see my OB. That following Monday I was at my OB the minute the door was opened. I walked in and Dr. Shoe and the ultrasound tech were both standing there. Dr. Shoe said what's wrong. I told home what had happened and he said well let's get an ultrasound to check it out. I went straight to US. And it showed that I had lost a majority of the blood that had been filling up in my uterus, but I still had a bleed. A few weeks later I was sent to a high risk Dr. For level 2 ultrasounds. I was on partial bed rest by this point, he wanted to put me on full time bed rest but I needed to be able to care for big sissy and buddy, so we agreed on partial bed rest which would allow me to get up for an hour or two at a time. The high risk dr. Also told me that if the bleed did not clear up by week 24 he would be hospitalizing me until your birth, out of fear of you growing to heavy for the placenta and causing it to abrupt. So more close monitoring via ultrasounds and some progesterone therapy, and lots of prayer. By week 24 I went back to the High risk, dr. Fully anticipating being hospitalized. When they did the US. It showed that the bleed had completely stopped, and that all of the blood was gone. Praise God from whom all blessings flow! They still monitored you closely with US, to make sure you were growing properly, and that you had not suffered from lack of blood flow. Amazingly through the whole ordeal, you grew at a normal rate, and never had any lack of blood flow, and the placenta grew at a normal rate also. Although I was plagued with worry and nightmares throughout the remainder of my pregnancy, I was still so relieved to know you were still here, and to feel every kick,and hiccup. I couldn't wait to hold you in my arms. And now two years later, I am still thanking God for giving me the the best birthday present ever. You. I love you baby girl. And I couldn't imagine my life with out you. I know you will not read this letter until you are grown but I wanted to write it while the memory is still fresh. Happy second birthday my little miracle. Love, Mommy.